009. BRB, Just Overthinking If I’m a Good Friend

The Art of Long Distance Friendships: Keeping friendships alive, one meme and late reply at a time

The sound of passing traffic and cicadas singing greets me as I hang my last t-shirt on the balcony clothes line. Laundry has always been therapeutic for me. It is where I do my best thinking.

That day I was thinking about the chores I had to do, my grocery shopping list, and when was the last time I saw my red tank top, because it was not in the wash. As I was racking my brain for any evidence of the last known location of said tank top, I thought crept in "when was the last time you called your friends"

Living 6,875 kilometres away from home, it is naturally more difficult to schedule chats with friends. My day is in full swing, while they are just waking up. It is not as simple as getting together for coffee after work, drinks on a Friday evening, or planning a weekend staycation. Our chats are relegated to moving squares on our laptops and at the mercy of a spotty Wi-Fi connection.

Like all chronic overthinkers, I have days like these, wondering if I’m a good friend. Not in the dramatic, falling-out kind of way, but in those quiet moments when I realize I haven’t replied to a message or when I scroll past a friend’s story without swiping up or dropping a reaction. Distance can make me question whether I’m showing up enough. Distance makes me realize that friendship is no longer accidental but is something that has to be nurtured, especially when it is not "convenient."

I admit I romanticized the idea of a long-distance friendship; after all, this is not the first time I have done it. I have been both a friend at home and abroad. No matter the position, I feel as though my friends are living entire chapters of their lives while I only get the Sparknotes. Adulthood is strange that way. As a child or adolescent, you feel as though you are a main character in the lives of your friends. The setting rarely changes, and the plot is rather linear. But as people move on and move away, the story becomes more complex.

I huge part of my identity, especially as a child, was being a good friend. Was I kind enough? Loyal enough? Attentive enough? Did my friend feel like I was making an effort? Did my friend feel comfortable telling me the truth about something? As much as I have changed over the years, this is still very much an important value for me and something I can be quite hard on myself about.

The text message I received later that day could not have come at a better time. It is said your best friend knows you better than you know yourself, and it was like her spidey-senses were tingling that we were overdue for a catch-up.

After 3 hours of talking and 3000 topics of conversation (because staying on track was never something we claimed to be good at), I packed it in for the night. Mouth dry, heart full, and head full of thoughts to share at our next de-brief, I realized that being a good friend does not mean constant communication. It is about making your friend feel that they are as much a part of your journey now as they were before the distance occurred. It is about making them feel seen, supported, and valued even from afar.

So if you have been suffering from long-distance friendship guilt, here are a few pieces of advice that may help.

1. Little check-ins: send a 'thinking of you text', a photo that made you think of them, or a random voice note (my Canadian friends hate to see me coming with a voice note).

2. Share the mundane, and not just the milestones: Texting when something BIG is happening is nice, but don't forget the small stuff. At times, I share my outfits, my lunch, a photo of me studying, or venting about something on my mind

3. Create a ritual: This can be tough with people's changing schedules, but it can be nice to look forward to a call every Sunday or know a weekly video message is coming your way.

4. Let's rant about it: my friends and I love sending memes, markers of pop culture controversy or anything that could generate a stimulating conversation. I look forward to hearing my friends' opinions on the world's happenings.

5. Be patient: some weeks will be busy, and life can be a lot. It is not about how many texts or how long you have gone since your last call. Be understanding of each other's schedules and enjoy the time you do carve out.

My friendships feel fragile because of distance. In reality, it forces me to be deliberate. Sending that reel, that message, that voice note is a reminder of how important that person is in my life. We talk a lot about romantic long-distance relationships, but there is very little advice about how to handle the feelings that come with being a long-distance friend. So, if you're an hour away or a time zone away, take this as your sign to give your friend a call. They miss you.